By the time I reached for the Airforce Officers’ recruitment, the queue had grown like an acromegalic python. Tailing myself to the hundreds-long line, I looked at my Dad, who was standing beside me as my moral cheerleader. “No chance” I tossed my brows, looking at the hundreds arrayed ahead.

It was the zonal level recruitment process for Junior Air force Officers that was going to happen there. People had come from every edge of the state and I was also one of them. Though started early from home, I could make it only at the end of this large queue, which sprouted from the famous Marthoma School that stood on a tiny mount in the heart of the town. The queue looked zigzag from beneath, as if forcibly bent by the road on which it stood: when the road bent right the queue bent right, when the road bent left, the queue also bent left.

As the school ground was opened for the written test, the queue found its way into it. The big ground ate the queue so quickly and the test started off in a short time.

Almost eight hundred candidates had come for the test and the available seats were just 60. Questions on English grammar, general knowledge and more were listed on the question paper and the time was just 30 minutes.

Suspense prevailed in the school premises once the test was over. Some of the guys had already left, as they had performed so miserably in the test and thus there was no hope left for them. Others waited impatiently for the result announcement, which was bound to happen in a short while.

The results came through a loudspeaker announcement. One of the Officers came forward and read the names of victorious candidates. The ones, whose names were announced, went forward and stood near the officer. The result announcement was almost over. Only three or four people left to complete the required seats. I looked outside as to find a way to get out before the whole scene gets over and it becomes difficult to walk out. My Dad was more optimistic and asked me to wait till the last. It was Candidate 59. My hopes were already sunk but I still looked up to see who was going to be the 60th hero of the day.

“The next candidate is….”, I looked around as to see who would raise a hand or shout a “It’s me”.

“ ……..Santosh Wilson”, the announcer paused.

“ Heh! Was that me?” After making sure that there was no other Santosh Wilson, I smiled at my Dad. The officer asked to me to join the Bandwagon and I was supposed to answer him with some details.

“ What is your age?” He asked me looking into my High school certificate.

“16 years sir”

“Ok, Date of Birth?”

“Eleven Four Nineteen Eighty…..I paused, two or three? If you had asked me what was my biggest confusion in life that time, I would never think again to say my date of birth. I had to remember two date-of-births, as in my records the date of birth was entered differently.

“What? “You forgot your date of birth? “ Though he asked the question to me only, it went beyond even the thousands of ears which surrounded me.

Laughter. Kookoooys. I sweated.

“Two sir” I completed.

“You don’t even remember your date of birth. Isn’t by wonder that you have passed this test?”

“Then it is Eleven Four Nineteen Eighty Three sir.. I’m sure” I negotiated like a Mysore street seller.

“Hmm… ok… all of you are selected.. come tomorrow for your Medical Fitness Tests” He winded up the whole drama.

Next day. Medical Fitness test.

The test would take two days. First day the candidates were supposed to undergo medical tests and the next day would be physical fitness rounds.

What followed was tragic. While stepping into the camp room, I never thought even in my wildest dreams that I would have to strip my clothes. Sad part was that I was not alone. The whole gang had been in the room, stripped off already, and watching others stripping. Cool and comfortable, they were sitting there in their best possible poses. They smiled, as they watched my confusion.

‘What have you got in your pants, gold coins?”, they looked at me tellingly. Without any further hesitation, I removed my outfits and joined the underwear party! Some red, some blue, some torn and some grayed, in general, it was a Communion of Underwears.

As time passed, the striptease came out to be more shameful. I told you already that the premise was belonged to a school. As the school time approached, boys and girls had chirped in to the place. They peeped, squeaked and did everything they could do, just to have a glance and a naughty smile.

“Lying Naked
exposed and defenceless,
to the knives and swords
that are words.
Only a thin blanket
of self worth,
to cover my cold and open
heart.”

Our sufferings came in the form of hopeless frowns at each other. The whole day, we found us sitting in the lounge waiting patiently for our turns to go in and get tested. I had noticed that the ones who came out of the room had an ugly expression on their face.

During my turn, I went inside in silence. I had no guess of what was going to happen.

“Come here” One of the doctors told me. I went to him.

“Remove this” He pointed down at me.

“Err.. sir.. this is my last…. I have not worn anything inside this” I tried to educate him of the deadly situation.

“What?”

He did not get me. So he did what I did not do. I stood aghast!

“Good.. Now cough”. He ordered as if holding my remote control on his hands.

I obeyed him like a tamed beast.

“That’ it…. Alright.. go and wait” I was relieved. I couldn’t help having the same ugly expression from clouding my face.

There were few more tests that took two complete days to get over. And one of the last was Feet test. I was told that I had a ‘Pes Caves Foot’. Arched Foot, it meant. It axed my chances.

I wasn’t unhappy. I was still in the striptease mood. All I felt was a getaway in getting out.

Out in the waiting room my Dad was there. I gave him my Report card. He looked at it for once. Then slashed it into maximum pieces possible and flung it in the ground.

Didn’t he say “damn it!”??? Because he never liked failures.



((Poetry- Thanks to Mr David Anthony)

Philip Kotler is a well-known marketing guru. After him, I would prefer Mathiyas, Mani and Naseer Bhai. Standing together, they had developed a well-planned marketing technique that spun wonders. Rather than a marketing mantra, this wonderful idea should be addressed as a drama, perfectly enacted to attract attention and create action, and its success could stand atop of all those written and recited Marketing theories to play buffoon of them.

Their world was not as big as you might have believed by chance. Instead, they operated in the premise of a petite bus stand situated in the heart of Pathanamthitta, a small town in Kerala. What they sold was nothing but Idlis. Fresh and homemade.

Pathanamthitta needs an introduction.

It has been the slowest town I have ever been to. In my memories, the town lies like a long snail forgot to move on. In a better contrast, it is like a precious chronograph kept slow, consciously by God. Letting people to stay longer and laud.

Garlanded by mountain buds and silhouetted by trees, the town could impress its strongest seal in anyone’s mind. Hidden behind the posters announcing jewelry inaugurations and futile party congresses, trees and electric posts on roadsides would throw you a smile; like a baby, who felt shy for being found naked. Spotted with people walking, like affected by the nothingness of constant hartals ritually announced, the roads would lead you to eternal jubilation. In fact, they would pilot you like a tourist guide. Protruded into the walkways and public roads, with tempting bust-boards, jewelry shops and silk sari showrooms would invite you, like harlots flying winks to take you in. You would wink back and keep walking. Private buses, named affectionately after their owners' wives and kids, would slap you with wind blown like cyclones, as their silly drivers keep on overtaking each other as though they are in Formula One.

You would be stolen. From you.

Standing some years apart, grating the memories the town gave when I was a young, supple boy, a student of Catholicate College, I have no stop for words. Like a beehive, memory-bees twirl around me, buzzing notes of fun and honeyed hilarity.

The Three Marketeers is half imaginary and half true. A sphinx story. Half-human half-animal type. Hah, a story, which has actually a half story in it!

It was said that initially, three were doing individual idli selling at various points in Pathanamthitta. What united them was severe competition from new idli market entrants, and so they stood together, like old dogs unite to fight the new ones. Like senior players fight the juniors. It was essential.

The marketing gimmick was simple. With the handheld packets of Idlis, Mani would enter a bus, which was parked in the bus stand to start off in a while. For a time, he would look at the passengers with a smile, which would return him some curious frowns back. In a clear-cut, sweet-tongued language he would depict the qualities of the idli he was carrying. ‘Fresh and home made’. ‘Salted and non-sticky’ ‘Chutney made of fried coconut grates’ ‘Only five Rupees per serve’ ‘If don’t like don’t pay’ etc etc.

Nobody would even seem to be interested. All his audience would turn their heads and look for something interesting outside the windows. Except one person; Mathiyas.

Dressed in a glowing jubba (A gents wear like kurta, rich middle aged men use to wear in Kerala) Mathiyas would look like a rich Malayali entrepreneur owning Rubber estates in Kottayam. The Golden (gold-like) ornaments on his body would substantiate that he belonged to one of those ‘achayans’ cult.

In loud, imposing voice he would call Mani; “Dey Ivde Vaa”

Looking at the Idli packets and its seller, Mathiyas would then ask for one sample Idli…; “Orennam kodu nokkatte”. Before jabbing the idli into his wide open mouth, he would sweetly remind that he wouldn’t pay if it was not tasty.

Like forcibly sinking the sun into the sea, he would soak the idli neck-deep into the chutney and then take a bite. He would relish the idli in his mouth, as if he had found the best idli ever, and look around to spread the ‘good news’ among his fellow passengers. He would look at Mani and say, “Super! Adipoli Idli, I wouldn’t mind eating the whole what you have”

Wondered by the big man’s grand appreciation of the Idlis, people would look at Mani. If such a gentleman can eat in the bus like an ordinary man, why shouldn’t we, they would think. One by one, they would buy Idlis and eat.

Cut to Naseer Bhai. Wrapped in a Mulla’s attire, he would call Mani from outside. Like his favorite Idli seller in the town, he would talk to Mani. He would bring in the good qualities of the Idlis and declare how much his family liked the Idlis. At the end, he would ask for 2 packets for his family and leave the scene.

What would happen next should be called as a festival of idlis. People, who hesitated to buy the Idlis initially, turn the scene upside down. All of them would buy, some of them would eat there itself, some would take home, some would buy again, some would ask for more chutney and some would even request for a free home delivery. Mani would serve them all, like an obliged attendant.

In the evenings, the Three Marketeers would sit together in the crown of a nearby hill called Chuttippara and share the profit of the day, which would be more than 3 folds of their basic expenses.

Though for a short time, they did wonderful business. Later, it was said that they had gone to Gulf as part of extending their business.

Mr. Kotler, are you listening?